We are moving forward after Dad's 12-hour disappearance. Thank God for our deep roots and so many friends both far and near. One friend has helped find a GPS device to put on their car, another friend figured out which GPS necklaces we should but for them. And two other friends helped Dad get to his doctor's appointment and the follow-up tests at the hospital.
He had a TIA (Transient Ischemic Attack) which is a minor heart attack. They cannot determine exactly when it took place, but I would place bets that it happened last weekend. The doctor lowered his new medication, which was making him anxious and they recommended that he have more tests. Trouble is, now my dad is angry about all the fuss. He thinks there is nothing wrong and doesn't want this episode "held against him for the rest of his life."
Yet another friend recommended a group called Visiting Angels. This is a group of caregivers who can come in and help people in need with everything from bathing to cooking to running errands. My parents don't need help with the bathing or cooking part yet. But they do need help getting organized, making appointments, and driving around. The rep met with my parents and me last week. She was great, asking all about their background and needs. Both my parents insisted that they didn't need any help. Then I gently tried to point out that there were things they hadn't done because they didn't know where they were (like going to the zoo) or they hadn't made the appointment (like for the replacement hearing aid dad needs). Mom seemed to understand, dad just got more belligerent that he could get them there. I'm sure it's frustrating for them, but I am unable to take on the duties of a full-time activities director, driver, and financial consultant.
While they want to maintain total independence, their complete reliance on me for all their questions and issues is too much for me to handle. Just this weekend they were trying to get their dog to the vet. Rather than waiting for the Visiting Angels person to come on Monday, they decided to drive out on their own to find a new vet (their old vet apparently hadn't given them the answers they wanted). This new vet is way out in the country about 20 minutes from where they live. After driving and driving, they apparently pulled into a gas station to tank up and ask directions. As they were pulling out, my dad hit the concrete barricade and tore the fender off his brand new car!
When a neighbor mentioned it to me at church, I said I hadn't heard a word about any incident over the weekend and that things were just fine on Friday. I asked my parents and dad had no clue what I was talking about and mom dismissed it as just a little accident and no big deal. It's difficult at best to help them realize they need a little assistance at this point in their lives.
However, all those Al-Anon meetings have now started to work when dealing with my parents. I cannot control their actions, I didn't create this situation, and I'm not going to cure it. Unlike dealing with an alcoholic who is ignoring his children, this is the opposite. My parents are in my hair all the time. I kind of have two sets of children now—one is just quite a bit older. ;) I am unable to run over to their house to reset their cable TV or help them when their washing machine is broken. I am responsible for my two children and will continue to help my parents as much as I can. But they need to be willing to accept help from others, in this case the Visiting Angels. I am optimistic that this will be at least a partial answer to all our needs. One day at a time (another Al-Anon slogan) is the way to go. I'm not expecting miracles and I'm not thinking too far ahead.
Spread Your Wings!
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