Aging Parents and the Lion King

About 6 months ago my parents came to live in my hometown. They moved from the house they lived in for 45 years and came to a small town in rural South Florida. Because of these circumstances and the pressure my mom is trying to put on me to spend more time with her, I've been reading a lot about aging parents and being part of the "Sandwich Generation"—parents who are caring for their elderly parents while still raising children of their own.

There are a lot of us out there. I have two relatively young children (9 and 13) plus I now have my parents (84 and 75) living in the same town as I do. While I thought this would be beneficial to everyone, it has wound up being an incredibly stressful time in my life. My parents are having an especially hard time settling in—making friends, finding things to do, just about everything now requires my help. So my question is—what did they do when they were living 1200 miles away? How were they able to get around? They seem completely unable to do much of anything except go to the bank and the grocery store every day.

A couple of weeks ago my parents took the three of us out to see The Lion King. I'm sure we were all hoping for a fun time out watching a great show. The trouble was, I had 4 kids with me. I was constantly helping everyone. Literally all we had to do was park the car (that I drove), get to our seats, and sit and watch the show. End of story. Where we took a wrong turn is that everyone was starving, traffic had been bad so we weren't able to get lunch ahead of time, so we had to split the group up. Half went to get snacks and the other half waited in line to have our tickets taken. We all met up right outside the door and walked in.

When my dad left to go to the bathroom right before the show started, I thought that wasn't a smart idea, but I'm not going to be the one to stop him. When he didn't come back...at all...I started to get worried. My kids got worried. My mom didn't seem to notice.

I had to choose between staying with my kids and heading out to find my dad in the lobby of the theater (or wherever else he might have been). Now, let me just say, my dad is not one that wanders off. He doesn't have dementia, he's just older and has to go to the bathroom about 50 times a day. But since the theater was dark when he returned, he wasn't quite sure where we were and he didn't have his ticket with him to be able to ask for help.

I choose to stay with my kids, knowing that the theater was safe and that eventually we'd have an intermission and I'd be able to find dad. Intermission, lights up, and an usher came up to us and asked if someone from our party was missing. She took me back to the area near the entrance to actual theater (not the building) where people stand or sit waiting to go back to their seats. Dad was apparently able to see the whole show from where he was sitting. However, when the usher and I got back there, he was missing...again. I finally found him outside in the lobby and walked him back to our seats.

He sits down, eats a bit of his snack that was purchased an hour earlier. The bell goes off signaling the second act is about to start, AND HE GETS UP TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN! I nearly blew a gasket. At least this time I asked my son to get up and follow him, which he did. But dad sent him back to sit down. Fortunately the second act of Lion King starts with a lot of interaction in the audience and the lights were still up when he finished his business and came back down to sit with us.

We're still navigating my parents' living arrangements and whenever prompted, I suggest they head to the clubhouse or out to a restaurant or a community music performance or whatever other event might be happening at the time. But they nearly always choose to stay home. Now, the codependent in me would have been angry that they weren't listening to my suggestions. However, these days, I take it in stride. They are perfectly capable of making decisions, they are not incapacitated. If they make a wrong decision, then they make a wrong decision. But the point is, it's their decision. The world is not going to end if they choose to stay home rather than socialize at the clubhouse. And since there are many, many options for things to do around here, if they are bored, then it's their choice to be bored. It's not up to me to entertain them or point out all the options.

Spread Your Wings!

On Being a Codependent

I am a recovering codependent and according to Wikipedia, my favorite "research" tool, codependent relationships are:

"a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement."  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency

Side note: I actually hate Wikipedia because my more recent college students used it as a resource in oh so many papers. Crazy concept that everyone can contribute to an online encyclopedia. Also a crazy concept that anything on online is truthful. Lessons learned over and over again when the entries turned out to have misinformation. But I digress...in this case all I'm showing is a basic definition of "codependent."

Before I hit therapy and Al-Anon, I had never heard of the term "codependent." I heard people using it at Al-Anon and somehow I got it in my head that it much be someone who also had addictions and alcohol issues. And it sort of is...

I knew I wasn't an alcoholic, so I assumed that word didn't pertain to me. However, after about 6 months of attending Al-Anon weekly meetings and reading everything I could get my hands on, I started in with family therapy. That's when things changed. My therapist was awesome. It was the first time someone was actually helping me to understand what was going on in my life. We did role playing...what do I say if...what do I do if...she helped me and she helped my children. Most importantly, she helped me to learn to help my kids. They were hurting and I comforted them as best I could. But there were other things I learned to say to give them verbal cues to remember their sessions.

Getting back to codependency—I was always the fix-it person, the go-to person, and the Mother Hen of each and every professional position I held. I don't remember when it began, but I'm assuming sometime in my graduate work. Up until that point I was painfully shy and very introverted. But in my doctoral work I came out of my shell and start expressing my opinion. I guess I just finally matured enough to learn how to speak up.

My home life had been a series of negotiations, learning how to cope with parents who were constantly fighting and very negative to each other and to my brother and me. While our parents were there at every event to support us, we walked on eggshells everyday. I remember continually being told to be quiet, stopping fighting, stop making noise—kids make noise, by the way. You had to be careful when joking or teasing with my mom because at any given time, she would take it personally and then suddenly turn on you.

At some point in my childhood, I learned to cope with this environment, escape it as soon as I could, and then learn to deal with life on my own (usually making very poor decisions regarding my personal life). I learned to be the negotiator. I didn't like when people were treated badly and I wanted to right the wrongs of the world in order to make it a better place.

I still want to do that to a certain extent. Through therapy I had to unlearn a lot of natural tendencies. I finally figured out that I cannot fix every situation and I learned that I'm not necessarily helping someone by solving all their problems for him or her. I also learned that unless a person is a child or an invalid, there is no reason they can't solve their own problems. This is very different than offering your opinion when asked or helping someone out of an emergency or a tight spot.

My job is to be an administrator at a Montessori school, not to solve the world's problems. I can help in my little piece of the world, but everyone eventually needs to learn to fly solo. It's an important part of growing up and maturing. While it took me a good 27 years to figure out how to use my voice and speak my own opinions, hopefully the students at school will learn this process at a much younger age. And while I, of course, fall back on those fix-it tendencies, I do my best to keep everything in perspective and encourage everyone to make their own decisions.

Spread Your Wings!

Recovery Books for Teens

There are many good groups to help teens and younger children through the issues of family alcoholism and addiction. My kids both attended a younger Alateen group, sometimes called Alatots. They both were very nervous at that first meeting, but as soon as they left the room, they both said they wanted to go back. There are no parents allowed in the room, so kids are able to say whatever they need to.  

Again, since I tend to read and read and read about issues, trying to solve the problem, I bought one of the Alateen books, a daily reader. It's the Alateen version of One Day at a Time. 

There are certainly others books available online here: http://www.al-anon.org/alateen-literature. But this one provided a quick lesson each day that they could take turns reading to or from the short drive to school.

My kids really enjoyed the Alateen meetings. They were given a chance to be in charge of the meeting at various times. Just like Al-Anon, the meetings are run by volunteers, so in the case of the Alateen group, the children took turns each week leading the Serenity Prayer or leading games or readings. They really liked having the opportunity to meet other kids their ages who were experiencing similar issues. 

They learned very quickly that none of the issues they were experiencing had anything to do with them. They also learned to express their feelings rather than leaving them bottled up inside until they either cried or screamed. These Alateen meetings were critical for the health and well-being during a very turbulent time.

Spread Your Wings!

Recovery Books

When I first started with Al-Anon and then later therapy, I began reading everything I could get my hands on to try to understand what was taking place. I am a lifelong student and a former university professor, and I continue to work in education in my present position, post academia. So naturally I thought if I could just read up on the subject of alcoholism and addiction, I could figure out a way to fix the situation I was experiencing. Wrong!

Al-Anon has an extensive list of books, one of which is "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon." This is a daily reader with 365 entries. The purpose is to help to focus your energy on YOU, not the alcoholic in your life. You need to concentrate on fixing your interactions with the alcoholic and realize (and truly believe) that everyone is in charge of their own life. After a few months of Al-Anon, I realized the program was not about solving someone else's drinking/addiction problem, it was all about me. Fabulous book that I still read. There are many, many books (online and hard copy) that are available. I started here http://ecomm.al-anon.org/shop on my search for literature to "fix" my situation.

After about six months of Al-Anon, I started in therapy at a local group that specialized in family therapy and for those with drug and alcohol issues in their family. Again, I immediately asked the therapist for a reading assignment...something that would help me fix this problem. She was amazing and emailed me a list of about four books that would potentially be helpful. One in particular was recommended: Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More." Just reading the first chapter, I immediately identified with what the author was saying. This was a life-changing book for me. 

I'm not advocating spending hundreds of dollars on books or therapy. I have met many people through Al-Anon, who have never purchased a single Al-Anon book, but rather choose to work the program only by attending the free meetings. They have found solace in the group and didn't wish to pursue another road. I also know many people who seem to solve the issues entirely on their own. They have made peace with the situation and handled it in the way they believe is best. But if you do choose the route of therapy, there are many groups out there that work on a sliding scale so you pay only what you can afford if insurance doesn't cover the expenses. Check in your area for rehab centers. They can also offer family counseling and assistance.

Everyone has to choose his or her own path. Mine was to join support groups and read and share as much as possible. God is in control of my life and I never really believed that until I started this journey five years ago. I fought like crazy to fix things for the first few years until I got the help I needed. Once that happened, everything changed for the better. That doesn't mean everything has been rosy or easy—quite the opposite actually. But I am at peace now and that is everything.

Spread Your Wings!

Al-Anon Progress, Not Perfection

I've mentioned a few of Al-Anon's slogans and I'd like to offer another one today. Life is about "Progress, Not Perfection." It's easy to get down on yourself if you slip back into old habits. But you need to just keep moving forward. It's the process of working on yourself that matters not the fact that you are/aren't perfect. None of us is perfect. So it's not fair to judge yourself (or others) by some artificially high standard. Rather, keep working to make yourself a better person and don't worry whether you achieve all of your goals. You likely will never be perfect by any standard. The important part is the journey.

I often slip back into states of anger and frustration over actions of uncaring people. I have to constantly remind myself that (1) I can't control them, (2) I didn't cause them to act selfishly, and (3) I'm not going to cure/teach/guilt them into making good decisions. It's up to the individual to do the right thing and no amount of me wanting them to change will actually change them. This is the basis of the "3 C's" I wrote about in an earlier post.

In addition to not being upset by bad behavior, a therapist once told me that I shouldn't be surprised when people act the way they've been acting. So if someone has been acting selfishly or arrogantly or erratically, then why does it seem to always surprise me when they do it again?! Shouldn't surprise me at all. What should surprise me (and in a pleasant way) is when they do the right thing and make the right choices. 

Food for thought and that's a lot to chew on. :)

Spread Your Wings!

My amazing son

Those of you who actually know me or even those of you who don't really know me, but read the blog will know that I'm not a crier at all. But last night at Liam's Parent Demonstration Night, he gave me this. What an awesome young man I have!

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Al-Anon's 3 C's

The slogans of Al-Anon/Alateen are helpful sayings to learn to cope with a situation that is out of your hands. These apply to not only the alcoholic in your life, but to life in general. The first one I learned was "The 3 C's." I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. When my son was going through our situation, he was often angry and frustrated at school and specifically at other students. We attended weekly Alateen meetings and saw a therapist. But the gentle reminder of the Al-Anon/Alateen slogan helped when someone was doing something that was pissing him off (deliberate or unintentional). 

At first it's rote memorization. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. But after a while, you start to actually believe the words you're saying and things change for the better. I remember attending an Al-Anon meeting where a new person basically said that slogan was a bunch of bunk. She was going to cure her son. She was going to make sure he went to rehab and got the help he needed. She was going to fix the world. Instead of arguing with her, those who were leading the meeting simply said, "Keep coming back." That is the standard answer. Helping yourself realize that you can't cure the alcoholic or addict is hard. You want to fix a bad situation. But if you believe that Al-Anon and Alateen can help, then you 'keep going back' and very quickly learn you cannot be responsible for another person (unless they are an infant or incapacitated). 

There are a lot of things that are out of my control...almost everything except what I do and think. Living by the 3 C's has helped me to not overreact when someone says or does something with which I disagree.

Spread Your Wings!