All is calm, all is bright

The kids and I are in full swing for Christmas—wrapping gifts for family and friends, baking cookies, and planning our activities over the two-week break from school. 2015 has been a very full year with all the normal (and abnormal) highs and lows. But all in all, life is good and we are looking forward to 2016.

All is calm, all is bright (for now). Christmas will be a quiet time this year. We'll have my parents over when my brother visits. We're planning to spend time together. My dad is doing fine these days, but my mother's confusion is lasting for longer and longer episodes. She seems genuinely angry all the time, and most of that anger is directed at me. At least I can rationalize that she's not herself. The hardening of the arteries is causing a lack of oxygen and blood flow to the brain. But she still refuses to go to a doctor or have the follow-up treatment that was recommended four months ago. DCF is no help at all because the house is clean, there's food in the fridge, and while mom may have fired the weekend person, the weekday people are still coming in to take care of my dad. It's been a very frustrating time to say the least. But this Christmas I will stay focused on the positive and look forward to a bright future for my kids. Happy to share the elves, Santa, and presents with them, as they always remember that the reason for this season is Jesus' birth.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, now go Spread Your Wings-

Tidings of Comfort and Joy?

As my kids and I are preparing for Advent and Christmas, we decorate the house, put up lights and buy a Christmas tree (yes, we still put up a live tree each year). My daughter coaxes my son to help her put out all the Christmas houses and light them. We sing Christmas carols and watch every single Christmas movie that was ever made (at last count we had about 25 movies, but some of the discs have 2 shorts on them. We pray every night for the those who need help and thank God for the wonderful life we have. Anyway, you get the picture.

This year, in particular, I have experienced firsthand how nasty some Christians can be to each other and especially non-Christians. I see it on Facebook where people post pictures of Christmas trees and then write "Go f*** yourself if you're offended." Really? I see posts about gun control, pro and con and equally offensive on both sides. Christian or not, when did we forget how to act like human beings and be respectful to everyone?

Last week I was called in before a governing church committee where I was serving as a music worship leader and told just how badly they believed I've been doing my job for the last 3 months. Only 1 in the group 7 actually has witnessed me doing that job, yet 3 of them believed it was their right as church leaders to be the judge and jury about my job. I never in my life been on the receiving end of such vitriolic attacks. I resigned 48 hours later after a great deal of thought. Constructive criticism is one thing, but these were direct and very personal attacks. Not only did the pastor sit by and let these people treat me that way, but then he did not reach out to me anytime over the next few days. Instead, he sent me a note asking if I could help out with a funeral on the weekend. Really? You let them tear me apart and then you want me to help you out when you're in a pinch?

Church is not a place I go to fight and I am doing my best not to become angry over this situation. So many people have reached out to me through phone calls, emails, and texts. I know we will stay in contact with many of the people we met at that church.  But church is supposed to be a place to uplift each other, not tear each other down. Christians want to know why their church congregations are dwindling—it's because many of them have an attitude that keeps newcomers from feeling welcomed. The hypocrisy among some churchgoers and their leaders keeps people on the outside, outside. (NB that last sentence sounded good when I said it out loud, but it reads a little weird :)  )

I live my life by the "Serenity Prayer" and have posted many blog entries about that prayer. I teach my children to do the same. We have learned over the last 5 years that everyone has choices and the only thing you have control over is yourself and your actions. If you choose to be a Christian, then act like a Christian. Lead by example—think for yourself, be responsible for yourself, and don't judge others. That's not your job. It's easier said than done and requires a lot of patience, understanding, and empathy. You need to be secure in yourself and your beliefs and not afraid to stand up for other people who may have different viewpoints. Mob mentality is what got Jesus crucified.

Merry Christmas and Spread Your Wings!

An Alcoholic's Reality vs. Reality

I often think about how an alcoholic views the world. I wonder why they do what they do and why some, but not all, can't figure out that if they just stopped drinking their world wouldn't be so topsy-turvy. After Al-Anon, I understand completely that I cannot control my alcoholic's actions, I can't cure them, and I certainly didn't cause my alcoholic to become an alcoholic. I also understand that I am never going to figure out why this person does what they do.

With all that being said, it still breaks my heart to see my children in pain. And when our alcoholic shows up at random visits inebriated, forgets my daughter's birthday, or when our alcoholic hasn't called in over six weeks, but sends a text on the day after Thanksgiving wishing my son "blessings and happiness," my children are deeply hurt. They won't admit it and they often joke about the situation because they have learned to cope as I do, through humor. They get by, certainly, but there is always a sting from the reminder that alcohol comes first with this person and they (the kids) come after everything else. Alcoholics think about nothing other than themselves and that next drink. They are typically egocentric and believe that no one can detect when they have been drinking.

At least the uncertainty of the next text or email from our alcoholic allows the kids to forget about the (lack of) relationship for while. Their recovery time from these random contacts has greatly improved with therapy and time. The random contact used to send my daughter into hysterical crying fits and my son into episodes of rage. Through therapy, those reactions have long subsided. We just take a deep breath and remember that God is in control. We turn it over to Him and then keep moving forward with our lives.

My children are the greatest and I tell them everyday how much I love them and how proud I am of them. We are leading happy, healthy, and productive lives despite having an alcoholic in our lives. As Al-Anon teaches, we choose to detach from the bad behavior because it's the only approach that works with an alcoholic. In the meantime, we lean on each other when we need to and celebrate all that we have and all that we accomplish.

My little Thanksgiving turkey, age 10

My Star Wars nerd, age 14

Spread Your Wings!

Happy Birthday, Dad

This week my dad celebrated his 83rd birthday. His caregiver got a small party together with balloons, a cake, and presents. Then yesterday the kids and I took my mom and dad out for brunch complete with eggs benedict and crab cakes. All in all it was a good week.

The weeks leading up to my dad's birthday, however, have been another thing all together. My mom is no longer taking her medicine. She refuses to go back to the doctor for follow-up appointments. And in general she's putting her life in danger. Because she has hardening of the arteries and is refusing to take care of herself and refusing help, I have had to ask for outside help to come in and evaluate her. This is not going to be a pleasant time, but if she can no longer care for herself, she leaves me no alternative.

I am hopeful that the system will work everything out. But so far things are taking a lot longer than I originally anticipated. However, I'm trying to stay hopeful and will continue to appreciate the good days as they come.

Spread Your Wings!

Parents and DCF

Until this past summer, I had no idea that the Department of Children and Families (DCF) had a wing that covered adults and the elderly. I guess I never thought about it—"families" would cover just about everyone, right?

Last July when my dad was lost and my mother was refusing help, I met a DCF caseworker who helped me through the next few weeks. She actually called me the day my dad was Baker-Acted. She called me because she had been alerted by the police that he was not taking care of himself and he had been involuntarily taken to the hospital for an evaluation. Once DCF learned that my father was safe, getting treatment and would be coming home with me temporarily, the caseworker jumped in right away to help get my mother evaluated. My mother had her own case opened, which in the long run will help me get any services for her that are needed. That evaluation proved that she was borderline competent and could continue living on her own without aid. But because my father needed medicine and a little assistance, both DCF and their doctor recommended an aid at home (not 24/7, but just during the daytime and early evening).

Fast forward to last week...all has been mostly great for the last couple of months since I was able to hire the aids for my parents. The phone calls have gone from a record 21 in a single day, down to about 1-2 per week. We have all settled into a routine again.

So last week when the DCF caseworker called to ask how everything was going, I updated her on the situation. She was very happy to hear that my dad was doing so much better. I told her how they've both had a series of doctor's appointments and are now following up with adjustments in their medications, dad got a new set of teeth, life is good. At the end of the conversation the caseworker told me that she was closing the cases on both my parents and wished us all well.

Now you would hope that the story would end there and life would keep moving forward, right? Well after a series of appointments, my mom has now been diagnosed with high cholesterol and hardening of the arteries. The doctor is recommending additional brain scans to see if surgery is necessary. So in the midst of all this, my mom is now refusing to take her Paxil, which has sent her over the moon crazy, angry, and paranoid. She's been accusing the daytime aids of stealing money, loosing the doctor's notes, and really just being in the way all the time.

Yesterday she got into it with their full-time aid, who finally left a little early because she was so upset. It's hard not to take things personally when these terrible accusations and being thrown your way. This morning we are trying to get her back to the doctor so she can get her back on track with her meds. My mom is terribly confused, completely uncooperative, and very paranoid. She doesn't want to take medicine and tries to control every situation.

My biggest predicament is—do I call DCF back and get them involved again? If you catch her on a good day, then my mom can be perfectly lucid and seemingly cooperative. However, if you catch like she was yesterday, anyone can tell that something is just not right. It's a slow, rocky path ahead, but as long as we don't get too far off, hopefully we can keep moving in a positive direction for both my parents.

Spread Your Wings!

Reinhold Niebuhr

Bet you didn't expect that as the title of an entry!

Reinhold Niebuhr is the author of the "Serenity Prayer." He apparently wrote a series of essays and prayers over his lifetime. Many people know the first paragraph of the "Serenity Prayer," but I wanted to take the time to put the entire original prayer here.

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, Courage to change the things which should be changed, and the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. 

Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time, Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as Jesus did, This sinful world as it is, Not as I would have it, Trusting that You will make all things right, If I surrender to Your will, So that I may be reasonably happy in this life, And supremely happy with You forever in the next. 

Amen.

This prayer has helped me to keep sane in even the most worrisome of times. Hoping it might help someone else out, too.

Spread Your Wings!

Serenity Prayer

This is probably the 20th or so time I've titled an entry "Serenity Prayer," but there is good reason. Getting through tough times can be hard even with friends and family to support you.

Every time my alcoholic drunk texts me and every time he picks up my children to take them for a visit, my initial thought is to get angry and fight back. It takes every strength I have to not act like the child he does. It takes every ounce of self-control that I have to remember that even an active alcoholic has rights to see his/her children. And it takes everything I have not to talk badly about the alcoholic to my children.

The Serenity Prayer reminds me that I cannot change the world, I can only be at peace with the decisions I have made. The changes in my life and the lives of my children have put us in a much better place, although it's taken a good five years of working through a lot to get here. And though we have had some lean times the last few years and attended therapy and Al-Anon/Alateen, only through constant prayer and knowing that it's not my time, it's God's time, have I been able to get us through even the roughest of spots.

Courage to change the "things"—not people—is central to understanding the Al-Anon program. I cannot change people, no matter how much I would like to force my will on them sometimes. My toughest issue personally has been to overcome the idea that I cannot fix the world or that I have no control over others. I cannot force my will on anyone, not matter how hard I used to try. The only person I have complete control over is me. And as long as someone is not a baby or an invalid, other people need to learn to take care of themselves and understand the consequences of their actions. No one can take responsibility for another unless they first can take responsibility for themselves—their actions and their words.

As my kids left for a visit today, I immediately pulled out my "One Day at a Time in Al-Anon" book. I usually try to read it every couple of days (unfortunately I'm not organized to find the 5 minutes a day to read it everyday as I should). So I'm often reading tomorrow's verses today or yesterday's and today's verses simultaneously. Today, as I read tomorrow's entry, I especially appreciated the insight the unidentified Al-Anon members wrote— "I have only one person's guilt to carry: my own. If the alcoholic blames me for his difficulties, I will not accept that blame, but I will not defend myself, either, for that would only start a fruitless battle." Starting "fruitless battle(s)" with an alcoholic only contributes to the alcoholic's drinking and delusional thoughts and actions. So as difficult as it is for me to not argue or point out the flaws in my alcoholic's thinking, I try my hardest to stay focused on what I am able to control—my actions and words.

Spread Your Wings!