Q-TIP

If you've ever attended an Al-Anon meeting (and I'm guessing AA, too), you will likely have heard Q-TIP, Quit Taking It Personally. In other words, you cannot be responsible for what comes out of someone else's mouth, nor can you be responsible for what idiotic actions (in your opinion) someone else pulls. So don't take things personally. They are not necessarily acting out against you, they are merely either unable to behave within some kind of "normal" frame or they simply have a different opinion of what "normal" is according to their irrational mind.

Q-TIP has permeated every aspect of my life and my children's. Instead of being frustrated with a student at school, I just remind my son to quit taking it personally. That kid isn't doing x, y, or z to bother you. He's just trying to get your attention.

The alcoholic's drinking has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of his or her family. His actions are a reflection of who he or she is at that time. He or she may or may not ever stop drinking. They may never realize the damage they've done. There are a million excuses why they drink, but none of them actually has anything to do with you.  Al-Anon teaches that the alcoholic drinks because it's a disease and until the alcoholic is willing to admit he needs to see a doctor (and actually listens to the doctor), there will be no cure. If someone has cancer, they usually go to a doctor. If someone broke their arm, they usually go to a doctor. Very few people have the ability to heal a broken limb, so they opt to see a professional who can cure them. Alcoholism is similar. I personally know of one recovering alcoholic who was able to quit on his own with his wife's help. Short of that person, every recovering alcoholic has needed the support of a group like AA, a pastor, or another sponsor to help them through this process.

On the other hand, many spouses, children, and friends of alcoholics don't believe they have any part in the process. That is completely wrong. I was a co-dependent in the relationship and I thought I could fix everything. Once I was taught by Al-Anon that the alcoholic's drinking had nothing to do with me and once I really believed that, I started to change in my approach to that relationship. Actually I started to change in many of my relationships. While it's often hard to remember to Q-TIP, whenever I feel personally attacked by someone's words or actions, I try to remember that they are not attacking me, but just disagreeing. This sounds really simple, but it's not. I just keep trying to remember to not take anything personally. Someone is entitled to their opinion, whether they agree with me or not. Just a I'm entitled to my opinion. The alcoholic can and will continue to drink until he or she realizes they need help. That situation and all the other inappropriate behavior that goes along with the drinking, is not a personal attack on me. Rather, it's an alcoholics inability to recognize they need help.

So Spread Your Wings...because...