"a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency
Side note: I actually hate Wikipedia because my more recent college students used it as a resource in oh so many papers. Crazy concept that everyone can contribute to an online encyclopedia. Also a crazy concept that anything on online is truthful. Lessons learned over and over again when the entries turned out to have misinformation. But I digress...in this case all I'm showing is a basic definition of "codependent."
Before I hit therapy and Al-Anon, I had never heard of the term "codependent." I heard people using it at Al-Anon and somehow I got it in my head that it much be someone who also had addictions and alcohol issues. And it sort of is...
I knew I wasn't an alcoholic, so I assumed that word didn't pertain to me. However, after about 6 months of attending Al-Anon weekly meetings and reading everything I could get my hands on, I started in with family therapy. That's when things changed. My therapist was awesome. It was the first time someone was actually helping me to understand what was going on in my life. We did role playing...what do I say if...what do I do if...she helped me and she helped my children. Most importantly, she helped me to learn to help my kids. They were hurting and I comforted them as best I could. But there were other things I learned to say to give them verbal cues to remember their sessions.
Getting back to codependency—I was always the fix-it person, the go-to person, and the Mother Hen of each and every professional position I held. I don't remember when it began, but I'm assuming sometime in my graduate work. Up until that point I was painfully shy and very introverted. But in my doctoral work I came out of my shell and start expressing my opinion. I guess I just finally matured enough to learn how to speak up.
My home life had been a series of negotiations, learning how to cope with parents who were constantly fighting and very negative to each other and to my brother and me. While our parents were there at every event to support us, we walked on eggshells everyday. I remember continually being told to be quiet, stopping fighting, stop making noise—kids make noise, by the way. You had to be careful when joking or teasing with my mom because at any given time, she would take it personally and then suddenly turn on you.
At some point in my childhood, I learned to cope with this environment, escape it as soon as I could, and then learn to deal with life on my own (usually making very poor decisions regarding my personal life). I learned to be the negotiator. I didn't like when people were treated badly and I wanted to right the wrongs of the world in order to make it a better place.
I still want to do that to a certain extent. Through therapy I had to unlearn a lot of natural tendencies. I finally figured out that I cannot fix every situation and I learned that I'm not necessarily helping someone by solving all their problems for him or her. I also learned that unless a person is a child or an invalid, there is no reason they can't solve their own problems. This is very different than offering your opinion when asked or helping someone out of an emergency or a tight spot.
My job is to be an administrator at a Montessori school, not to solve the world's problems. I can help in my little piece of the world, but everyone eventually needs to learn to fly solo. It's an important part of growing up and maturing. While it took me a good 27 years to figure out how to use my voice and speak my own opinions, hopefully the students at school will learn this process at a much younger age. And while I, of course, fall back on those fix-it tendencies, I do my best to keep everything in perspective and encourage everyone to make their own decisions.
Spread Your Wings!
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