Diary of a Recovering Academic

26 April 2015

Cause, control, cure

I know longer wonder why, wish things would change, hope the situation is better. I know that I have nothing to do with the "reasoning" behind my alcoholic's actions and words (or a complete lack thereof). The 3 C's of Al-Anon are a reassurance that I am not in control of anyone except myself. These 3 C's have been a source healing and a realization that I will never know what caused this situation, I have no control over, and I certainly can't cure it. That in and of itself has been a difficult reality, but eventually I began to truly believe the words and I know I'm on a healing path because of them.

Spread your wings!

23 April 2015

Re:THINK

The hardest part of THINK is that not everyone follows those same rules of thinking before you speak.

Is it True?
Is it Helpful?
Is it Inspiring?
Is it Necessary?
Is it Kind?

Well tonight after weeks and weeks of trying to help my mother out (taxes, dad's getting lost, invitations to Easter, etc.), tonight I was accused of not only stealing money from my mother, but stealing money because I was possibly "trying to get back at" her for divorcing my biological father. While the details are crazy and not really relevant, the point is that my mother in her delusional state made some very nasty accusations and that just plain hurts.

So I'm trying to stay calm, take a deep breath, and keep moving forward...without getting angry. I know she doesn't know what she's saying. And while it's very, very hurtful, I am trying to navigate the best way to let her know that (1) obviously I didn't and couldn't steal money from her, (2) what she said upset me, and (3) I'm growing weary of the accusations and having a great deal difficulty continuing to help her out at the level she is requiring because of her ugly attitude.

All of this is new territory for me. And I'm betting it's new territory for a lot of people my age. That "sandwich generation" can be a big drain on anyone stuck in the middle of generations. I need to take care of my children and continue to raise them, all the while helping my parents to navigate growing old.

Spread Your Wings! (and don't forget to breathe)

21 April 2015

THINK

THINK is another Al-Anon/Alateen slogan, but it's also one that I've seen many teachers use in the classroom. The acrostic reminds us to think before we speak. All those golden nuggets of truth you mom and dad taught you as a kid help you to get along with other people better. So if you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all.

Staying positive in the midst of adversity is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. There have been many changes in my life the last five years since leaving academia. While the trip has been mostly positive, there have certainly been many bumps along the way.

My main slogan with life's little upheavals has been "Just breathe." A friend of mine got me a friendship bracelet that reminds me everyday to just breathe. Even when I feel like I can't say anything positive to someone or about a situation, I take extra long breath and let things settle in my mind before getting down about life. Everything passes and even the most nightmarish situation in the world can be made better with time. I've experienced this firsthand and as long as I stay positive, eventually everything works out for the best.

I no longer fire off strongly worded emails or phone calls. I try to wait 24 hours, read, and reread something before I send it. Just that little extra time can calm me down enough to THINK about what I'm saying and refocus the frustration or anger into something positive.

Staying positive affects my whole outlook, the way I work with my children, coping with the difficulty of aging parents, frustrations with business, and everything else life throws my way. I can almost always turn things around and laugh rather than getting angry or upset. And even if that doesn't work, time passes and the difficult situation changes.

I love this quote by Ghandi:

Spread your wings!

19 April 2015

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is difficult at best, especially when there is no request for such action. But living in the past, harboring ill will, and allowing someone else's bad behavior to influence your present state of mind will continue to drive you crazy. Forgiveness is a necessary in order to be able to move on with your life.

Everyone makes mistakes. But owning up to those mistakes and then ultimately forgiving those mistakes in yourself and in others takes a great deal of strength and determination. It's hard for me to keep that state of forgiveness in my heart. Slipping back into being angry over past actions is easy. What's hard is remembering to keep moving forward one day at a time. Al-Anon really focuses on the present, not the past and not the future. Just take life one day at a time and get through. I try to keep my kids focused on the individual days, rather than being worried about what will happen 10 years from now. Instead, be grateful for what you have, focus on making each day a happy memory. This doesn't mean we don't plan ahead—of course we do! But we don't worry about what the future may or may not bring, what others may or may not do or say.